The Rabid Hobbit Glomping Fanfic
by TheRabidHOBBITFangirls
Summary: Just what the title says. Which is why it's the title. Pity the hobbits. Rated for immaturity, cussing, and gay hobbitness (not graphic). CHP 6 UP!
1. A Shocking Confession

Author's Note: This is our first fanfic (Yes, we know, it's EVERYONE'S first fanfic), but we don't really care if you're mean. In fact, be brutally honest. If you hate it, we want to know. If you love it, then... well, there's probably something wrong with your head. This first chapter is intensely short, but it's a semi-intro. Please read and review, and make us joyous little fangirls!  
  
-Aye and Twitch  
  
Postscript: If you catch any spelling/grammar/punctuation/format errors, do tell! We'll give you a mini hobbit plushie if you do!  
  
-Aye  
  
'Twas the night of Bilbo Baggins' eleventy-first birthday, and Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took were fiddling around with Gandalf's fireworks. Unbeknownst to them, a pair of shadowy figures lurked behind them.  
  
"Got the rope?" One whispered.  
  
"Yeah, got the duct tape?" The other replied.  
  
"Got it. OK, on one, two, three...GO!" Shouting, the two figures sprang forth, bound and gagged the hobbits, then retreated into the shadows, but not before watching a lit firework rocket off into the sky and explode.  
  
"Ooo...sparkly!" they said in unison.  
  
"MMPH!" cried Merry.  
  
"Eh?" said the fist of the hobbitnappers.  
  
"They're gagged, dumbass. They can't talk." Snapped the other.  
  
"Then un-gag them!" said the first, cuffing her companion.  
  
"But...it would damage their adorable hobbity mouths!"  
  
"Fine, I'll do it." The first of them proceeded to do so, while muttering, "Wanker."  
  
"What just happened?" Pippin yelped, "Who ARE you people?" The two shadowy figures stepped into the light.  
  
"Ah, crap." Pippin muttered. "Fangirls..."  
  
"Yep! Rabid fangirls, in fact!" the first one said.  
  
"Yes, I am Twitch, and this is Aye the Guy."  
  
"I'm not a guy!" Shrieked Aye.  
  
"Yes you are!"  
  
"Well, how can I be a fanGIRL if I'm a guy?"  
  
"...Point."  
  
"Er...right." Merry edged closer to Pippin.  
  
"Aww, they're so cute together!" Twitch said.  
  
"No, they're GAY."  
  
"Oh yeah, I remember now!"  
  
"I'm not gay! But he is." Merry protested indignantly, and poked Pippin.  
  
"No I'm not, YOU are!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"They're both gay." The fangirls nodded in solemn agreement. The hobbits hung their heads in shame and admittance.  
  
"Maybe we can un-gay them." said Twitch.  
  
"I shudder to think how." replied Aye.  
  
"Well, if they're gay, are Frodo and Sam gay too?" questioned Twitch.  
  
"Uh...no? Well, Sam maybe. Haven't you read the books?" Merry inquired.  
  
"Oh, good! Then he's MINE!" Twitch said, rather rabidly.  
  
"Ok. Well, then I get Merry and Pippin." Aye said, grinning.  
  
"Get us?" the hobbits said fearfully.  
  
"No! You can have Merry. But I get Pippin."  
  
"NO! I get Pip!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"MINE!!" a screaming match ensued. The hobbits took this as their cue to run away. Far, far away. A few minutes later.  
  
"Dude! They're...gone!"  
  
"Shit!"  
  
Ok, we know it's short, but that's too bad. Read and Review now, or you might wake up dead tomorrow... There will be more chapters later, probably after New Years. 


	2. In Which Sam Develops Brain Damage

Author's Note: We're sorry it took so long to post this up. Ok, so not really, but we promise that it won't take as long to post the next chapter. We're already half done. Aren't you so proud of us?? The people who reviewed fucking kick ass. And the people who didn't, are DEAD. And if they aren't, they suck ass. So HAH.  
  
And yet again, we offer mini hobbit plushies if you can find any grammatical, spelling, or formatting errors. And we're hoping that you don't because we kind of want to keep them all. *evil grin*  
  
Disclaimer: We might not own the rest of Middle-earth, but we do own the hobbits! *lab coated psychiatrists begin advancing, brandishing straight jackets* WE DO OWN THEM! WE DO!! WE DOOOOOOOOO!! *is carted off to the psych ward*  
  
The rabid fangirls were stunned to find that their lust objects had disappeared.  
  
"Where the crap could they be?" Aye demanded.  
  
"I have no fucking clue!" The fangirls looked about them, but there were no cute hobbits in sight.  
  
"We should go look for them," said Twitch. Aye agreed, and they ran off, but were soon distracted by something almost as interesting as hobbits.  
  
"Dude!! Check out the fireworks!" Before the crazy fangirls were a large stack of fireworks.  
  
"Let's grab some!" They took a couple of fireworks each and ran off to the field where Bilbo was giving his birthday speech.  
  
".I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."  
  
"Er.right. He doesn't know us at all! What's he talking about?" Aye whispered loudly. Twitch shrugged.  
  
"This is the boring part. Let's go set off these fireworks. Or set some shit on fire."  
  
"Right." The two crept off to do untold horrors to the peaceful countryside, but not until they had stolen numerous jugs of wine and beer.  
  
The fangirls were skipping off when Twitch tripped and fell flat on her face.  
  
"HAHA!! You loser!" Aye snickered. Twitch let off a volley of curses, many of which that were not known by the general public. Then she jumped up and thwacked Aye violently.  
  
"GAH!! Stop!! Ow!!!!" Aye yelped, and fell over in the exact same spot Twitch had landed a moment before. "OW!! SHIT!! STUPID FREAKING GROUND!!" shouted Aye, kicking it with malice.  
  
"Ughhhh..." the ground moaned.  
  
"HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!! TALKING EARTH!!" screamed Twitch, jumping back a few feet. It was then the "talking earth" raised its head. It was a hobbit, Frodo Baggins to be exact. It looked as if he were crying. "OOOOOHHH!!" shrieked Twitch fangirlishly, "FROOOODOOOO!!"  
  
"Uh, er, oh holy crap," stammered Aye, "it's a CRYING PERSON!! GAH!!" She ran and hid behind the nearest rock, a pebble that stuck about two inches out of the ground.  
  
"Crying?" said Twitch, oblivious in her typical Twitch-fashion. Frodo let out a sob. Twitch grinned evilly. "Why ya crying?"  
  
"E-eve-everyone's f-forgotten m-m-my BIRTHDAY!" wailed Frodo piteously.  
  
"Aw, poor BABY!" Twitch said, patting his curly head. All of a sudden, the fangirl heard the sounds of a scuffle, and a large metal object being banged over someone's head. Wielding his frying pan, Sam Gamgee jumped into the clearing.  
  
"Unhand Mr. Frodo you...you...FANGIRL!!" he yelled.  
  
"F-fangirl?" stuttered Frodo, getting to his feet. Twitch grinned.  
  
"Oh no, not again..." said the adorable hobbit. Twitch began advancing on him, going in for the kill. Or rather, a glomp.  
  
"RUN MR. FRODO!" shouted Sam, "I'll try to keep her off! Save yourself!" Twitch turned to glare at Sam, just in time to receive a frying pan to the nose.  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
Aye awoke from the semi coma she had been put in by Sam's frying pan. She looked around and noticed that Twitch was unconscious on the ground. Searching her ever present blue sweater, she produced the item she was looking for, a black Sharpie.  
  
And another few minutes later...  
  
Sputtering, Twitch awoke to a jug of beer being emptied over her head.  
  
"Hobbit? Where...hobbit?" she asked dazedly.  
  
"Er...right..." muttered Aye, snickering behind her hand at her masterpiece; Twitch's face was covered with the words, 'Wanker, wanker, wanker, I made it out of clay, wanker, wanker, wanker, now wanker I shall say!! Doo doo doo...'  
  
"No hobbits?" asked Twitch sadly.  
  
"Er, no, now lets go set off some FIRECRACKERS!!" Both fangirls smirked and ran off.  
  
They soon came to an expansive clearing where sheep were grazing.  
  
"Dude, they have SHEEP in Middle Earth?" Aye asked incredulously, dropping the fireworks.  
  
"Of course!!" Twitch cackled gleefully, brandishing the dog-eared copy of The Fellowship of the Ring. Aye began to get slightly scared. She edged away from the gleeful Twitch and looked in her pockets for some matches.  
  
"Dammit, where'd my matches go?" Twitch smirked and produced a match out of nowhere. She struck it and lit a random firework.  
  
"Is that thing supposed to be like that?" Aye indicated the lit explosive which was lying on its side and looking rather dangerous. "Isn't it supposed to be going up? Like what Merry and Pippin said in the movie?"  
  
"Oh SHIT, you're right!"  
  
"HOLY FREAKING PIECES OF CRAPPING SHIT!!" The firecracker zoomed off sideways, heading straight for a pair of old, senile sheep.  
  
"FUCK!!" Twitch screamed. It smashed through a sheep, catapulting it into the air. The other sheep baaed in terror and fled, along with its fellow tasty dark meats. The piteous creature that had been hit by the firework fell back to the ground with a nice THUNK just as the firework smashed into the hillside and exploded.  
  
"PRETTY SPARKLY CRAP!!" Aye screamed as sparks showered down. Flickers of fire started appearing on the grass.  
  
"Oh holy crap, what the crap did you do?!"  
  
"ME??" Aye screeched back in reply. "It was YOUR fault, WANKER!!"  
  
"No it wasn't!"  
  
"Yes it was!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
By now the fangirls were surrounded by flames.  
  
"Crap," Twitch muttered, "what do we do now?"  
  
"BONFIRE!!" yelled Aye in delight. "ROAST MUTTON! BWAHAHAHAHHAA!!" She started dancing in glee.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Bilbo Baggins opened the door to Bag End and laughed delightedly as he slid the ring off his finger. Gandalf appeared behind him, looking irritated. His Pointy Hat Trick didn't go as well as he had thought it would with the hobbits.  
  
"Bilbo, where is the ring?"  
  
"It's here in my pocket! No, I lied! On the mantelpiece! I mean, er, um, THERE!" Gandalf glared at Bilbo. Flustered, Bilbo started gathering his things.  
  
"It's mine; it is," He muttered, "It came to me, my own. My shiny." He picked up his pack and shouldered it. Gandalf looked disturbed. Bilbo was acting...Gollummy.  
  
"Bilbo, leave the ring to Frodo."  
  
"No! I shall call it Shiny, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my Shiny." Bilbo took the ring and cuddled it. 'Twas his lust object, it was.  
  
"Bilbo, leave it. Now." Gandalf went into scary Galadriel mode. Bilbo screamed and lost his head completely.  
  
"GGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! SCARY OLD PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER TRYING TOOOOOOO RRRRRRAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEEE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I AM NOT TRYING TO RAPE YOU; I'm trying to help you." Gandalf returned to his normal color. Bilbo stopped acting like a frightened rabbit.  
  
"Yes, you're right, Gandalf. The shin- I mean, ring must go to Frodo." He turned and sighed, and placed the ring on the table, and since there can't be ominous thuds on tables, a flash of lighting and thunder boomed through the house. Then he turned and left.  
  
Later, at the Green Dragon...  
  
"HEY HO TO THE BOTTLE I GO TO HEAL MY HEART AND DROWN MY WOE! RAIN MAY FALL AND WIND MAY BLOW, BUT THERE STILL BE MANY MILES TO GO! SWEET IS THE SOUND OF THE POURING RAIN AND THE STREAM THAT FALLS FROM HILL TO PLAIN! BETTER THAN RAIN OR RIPPLING BROOK IS A MUG OF BEER INSIDE THIS TOOK!" The hobbits cheered as Merry and Pippin bowed and almost fell off the table. Frodo passed drinks all around.  
  
"Cheers, Gaffer! You won't believe what me and Sam found today. Tell 'em Sam!" Frodo slid a mug of beer towards the Gaffer and sat down.  
  
"Well, we found the missing jugs of beer from last night in that old sheep field down by Bag End. There were scorch marks everywhere, and we found quite a lot of Gandalf's fireworks."  
  
"BAH, that's not so interesting. It was probably Merry and Pippin again." The Gaffer swallowed a substantial amount of beer.  
  
"But that's not the best part. We found Big People down there, we did." said Sam.  
  
"Oh ho! Big People, eh? What are they doing in these parts?" Odo Proudfoot scowled at Frodo and Sam like it was their fault.  
  
"There's been trouble all around. There's news from Bree, some fellows are claiming that war's brewing. Goblins all amuck in the mountains to the south." The Gaffer said.  
  
There was a loud bang. It appeared that Merry and Pippin had too much to drink and had attempted to climb back up onto the table to give the hobbits another round. Rosie Cotton appeared with a bucket of cold water and splashed it over the two hobbits.  
  
"That should help them," she said sweetly. It did, for Pippin shrieked and sat up, and Merry yelled out a long string of curses. They both looked around at Rosie indignantly. Frodo turned back to his drink, smiling.  
  
Sometime later...  
  
Frodo and Sam meandered back down to Bag End, where they took leave of each other. Frodo had just opened the door when Gandalf appeared, scaring the crap out of him.  
  
"G-G-Gandalf! What are you doing here?" Frodo squeaked, edging away cautiously. Gandalf had a reputation among the younger hobbits as...well, something not very nice.  
  
"Where is the ring Frodo? Where is it?!" Gandalf half screamed. Frodo looked startled and hastened to find it. Minutes passed in which Gandalf got a very nice view of Frodo's ass.  
  
"Here it is, Gandalf!" Frodo said cheerily.  
  
"Throw it into the fire!" Gandalf commanded.  
  
"What?" Gandalf snorted impatiently and took the ring and threw it into the flames. Seconds later, he stooped and seized it with a pair of tongs.  
  
"Tell me, do you see anything?"  
  
"I see...SCARY RED THINGS!! GAAAAAAAHHHH!!" Frodo screamed and dropped the ring. Gandalf shook his head.  
  
"They won't hurt you, Frodo. They are letters, elvish letters," The old man sighed and creaked slowly into a chair. "Oof, goddamn rheumatism."  
  
"What does it say?" Frodo peered carefully at it. Gandalf muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "History of Middle Earth, Lesson 1.1, The Forging of the Twenty Rings."  
  
A sudden crash was heard outside. Frodo and Gandalf's heads snapped to the window, where Sam the gardener was being assaulted by Twitch.  
  
"DO," whack "NOT," whack "TOUCH," whack "MY," whack "FRODO!" Twitch whacked Sam a final time to emphasize her point.  
  
"I don't think he can hear you, Twitch. He looks.dead." Aye bent over and prodded Sam. "Nah, just unconscious."  
  
"Really? Damn! Maybe there'll be some severe brain damage...?" Frodo looked vaguely frightened. Gandalf peered out the window, just in time to receive a mouthful of Twitch ass, as Aye had pushed her in.  
  
"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST!" she screamed gleefully. "Can I come in yet?" She peered in. Frodo looked shocked and hastened to open front door.  
  
Aye ran in and poked Twitch. Twitch jumped up with a snarl. Gandalf got up and groaned like the old man he was. Frodo edged away from all three of them.  
  
Then Twitch noticed the ring in Frodo's hand. "SHINY!!" she squealed. Then she noticed Frodo. "FROOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed and glomped him.  
  
Aye looked on jealously. Twitch would kill her if she tried anything. Sam came to outside the window.  
  
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam groaned. His eyes crossed and he fell over.  
  
And...CUT!! That's all for today, folks. *hands out hobbit key chains to the awesome people who reviewed* So...REVIEW! REVIEW!! REVIEW!!! 


	3. In Which Aye Discovers the Meaning of Ka...

Author's Note: The original was 10 pages so we decided to chop it in half with a chainsaw and split it up into 2 different chapters, which means...*drums*...WE'RE DONE WITH CHAPTER 4!! *is anticlimactic* Oh, well, yeah. We'll be posting it up in about a week, unless My computer crashes and the world blows up. In which we're pretty much screwed. -Aye  
  
Disclaimer: *sigh* *mumbles* wedon'townanythingsomeh.  
  
To Our Reviewers: You guys inspire us soooo much! All you people kick arse, and sorry we can't reply to everyone, but THANKS TIMES A MILLION!! *hands out hobbit mousepads*  
  
MUSHROOMS: Wow, you're multilingual! *grin* Haha, that's the people's general reaction to us.  
  
Spinning Grave Tolkien: Trust us, we DON'T live among civilized people. *evil grin*  
  
Megan D: Yes, they ARE gay. Very.  
  
Brinan: YAY!! You have to review this chapter too you know...  
  
no: 1) We love LOTR. 2) We love LOTR. 3) We love LOTR. 4) We don't understand how you can not love LOTR. 5) We conclude that you are nuts.  
  
Me: Dude, you rock. That's the nicest review we've ever gotten!! You made us really really happy!! *gives you special hobbit bookend*  
  
Stalker mike: You're coming up. Don't worry. But we're not letting you get anywhere near Galadriel. *jibbly*  
  
AND TO OUR BETA FEESH, MERRY!! She is freaking awesome. Everyone must wish her luck at her competition!!  
  
-Aye  
  
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam groaned. His eyes crossed and he fell over.  
  
"Er..." Aye looked out the window. "Sam? You dead yet?" Frodo squeaked and attempted to untangle himself from the adoring Twitch.  
  
"I must go! Good-bye!" Gandalf cried out, suddenly afraid for his life. He fled out of Bag End, leaving his cloak and scary pointy hat behind.  
  
"Wanker," muttered Aye. Twitch was much too busy hanging on to her dear Frodo to notice. Aye decided to help Frodo, and cheerfully whacked Twitch over the head. Twitch yelled and turned to glare at Aye.  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
"You're suffocating him," Aye pointed out.  
  
"Ah," Twitch let go of Frodo, who spazzed out and zoomed through the door, locking it behind him. Twitch turned to Aye and grinned evilly. "You know what, Aye? I think we scared him!" Cackling, the fangirls climbed through the window, only to find that Sam had come around again.  
  
"Misshha Froodooo? Zat chooo?" mumbled Sam. "Eye sheem to bee upshiide dooown." Aye smirked and whipped out her awesome Sharpie. She scribbled an evil smiley face on the poor hobbit's head, and cart wheeled down the hill. Twitch blinked and after a moments thought, produced a lollipop. She stuck it into Sam's mouth, patted him on the head, and whizzed away.  
  
Maybe a day or two later...  
  
There was a rather large crowd of hobbits gathered around Bag End, all waiting to collect their parting gifts from the vanished Bilbo. Among them were Lobelia Sackville-Burke and her son, Lotho.  
  
Lobelia came sprinting through the door, screaming, "SPOONS!! HE OWES ME SPOONS!!" referring to Bilbo. She smashed into Frodo, who screamed and propelled himself away, just in case she had something else in mind. Lotho suddenly appeared behind him, looking the scary child molester he was. Frodo screamed again and shot out from between them.  
  
"My spoons! I want them!" Lobelia brandished her umbrella at Frodo, who edged away from her.  
  
"Er, yes," Frodo stammered, afraid they would attempt to gang rape him. "Here, take these," He thrust a random box of silver spoons towards Lobelia. Mollified, she turned to Lotho.  
  
"Let us go, Lotho dearie," They sauntered back to the door. Then Lobelia turned to look at Frodo, who was sweating in panic. "And what about that cute little hobbit? Pippin, was it? Is he still around?" Frodo gulped and nodded, backing up against a cabinet. Merry suddenly came in, to the great relief of the terrified Frodo, who stuttered out his excuses and ran away.  
  
"PIPPIN!" Lobelia shrieked, and ran full force towards Merry. Merry yelled in fright and attempted to flee, but was immediately glomped and held in a death grip.  
  
"IIIIIII'MMMMM NNNNNOTTTTT PPPPPPPPPPPIIIPPPPPPPP!! GGGAAAAHH!!" he screamed. And right on cue, Pippin entered the room, looking suspiciously flushed and mussed up. Lobelia abruptly let go of Merry, who fell to the floor in relief.  
  
"THERE YOU ARE!" Lobelia squealed, running towards the confused hobbit. Sam appeared unexpectedly behind Pippin, looking even more suspiciously flushed and mussed up, stopping Lobelia in mid-glomp. Merry turned white and started stammering.  
  
"P-P-Pip-p-pin! W-why, wh-what, um, er, EH?" Pippin turned scarlet and broke down into tears.  
  
"Merry, I'm SORRY!!" he sobbed, "I LOVE YOU! HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME! NOTHING!! I SWEAR!!" At this, Sam looked shocked and hurt.  
  
"But Pippin! You said you'd love me forever!" Sam said.  
  
"NO I DIDN'T!!" Pippin bawled. He barreled through the stunned Lobelia and almost tackled Merry, who was still stammering incoherently. "Merry, I love you! Eventhoughyou'remycousinandnotnearlyashotastheguynextdoor, I STILL LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!" Pippin wailed madly into Merry's shoulder.  
  
Lobelia and Lotho decided to make a speedy exit while they still could. They fled out the front door, glad to not have such family issues. Sam disappeared, just in case Merry decided to bash his head in for touching his precious Pippin.  
  
Pippin continued blubbering on a white-faced Merry. "Merry, forgive me!! I won't do it again! I didn't mean for anything to happen! I was just kidding!! MERRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" Merry carefully unwrapped Pippin's arms from around him, and pushed the howling hobbit away. The howling hobbit immediately latched back onto Merry, howling worse than ever.  
  
It was just about then that the rabid fangirls decided to turn up. Aye took one look at the tearful (and snotful!) Pippin and ran away screaming. Twitch, attempting to antagonize Aye, grabbed the wailing Pip and gave chase yelling, "COME BAAACK AYE! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOOOOU!!"  
  
"GGGAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAH!!" Aye started to run with her hands over her eyes, but as she was not gifted with magic sight, or any sight for that matter, and she stumbled over a tree root and smashed her nose.  
  
Merry dashed out the door after the fangirls, screeching at the top of his lungs, "NOOOOOO!!! Bring him BAAAACKKKK!!" He tackled Twitch's ankles, effectively tripping her, and unfortunately causing her to squoosh Pippin.  
  
"Whoops," she muttered, getting to her feet, "Knew I should've started that diet..."  
  
Merry took one look at his flattened lover and began screaming, pummeling Twitch with rather painless, pint-sized blows. "YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED MY DARLING PIP!! You horrible... awful..." He choked and broke into sobs, falling to his knees beside Pippin.  
  
Aye, hearing her lust object screaming in misery, cautiously returned, fearing the worst. She gawked at Pippin and squeaked, "GAH!! What'd you DO??"  
  
"ME?? NOTHING! He knocked me down! HIS FAULT!! HIS!!" screeched Twitch, pointing at the mournful hobbit at her feet.  
  
"GAH!! CRYING PERSON!! RUN AWAAAYYYY!!" Aye dashed away, waving her arms around in panic. Merry began trying to revive Pippin with mouth to mouth. Twitch jumped back in shock, and slunk away, rather mentally scarred.  
  
Later that night...  
  
After a heated argument with Ted Sandyman about whether Merry and Pippin really were sleeping together, Sam was drunkenly stumbling back to Bagshot Row, where he overheard raised voices.  
  
"NO! They're still around! I know they are, just waiting for the right moment to strike!" It was his beloved Mr. Frodo, being paranoid again. "I can see them watching me from the trees." The last statement was uttered in a whisper, which was rather useless, as Sam could hear him quite well.  
  
"The fangirls are gone, Frodo, so stop being paranoid," said an old man, probably Gandalf. Sam looked aghast. What if Gandalf was trying to rape Mr. Frodo?? He decided to hide under the window and grabbed a gardening tool, just in case.  
  
"Well, Frodo," Gandalf said rather tiredly, "I merely came back to collect my cloak and pointy hat," The last two words sounded rather...suggestive. Sam edged closer to the window, ready to bash someone's head in. "I was also supposed to tell you something. I'm sure it was very important... Blast it, my memory isn't as good as it used to be!"  
  
"D-does it have a-a-anything to do with the sc-scary r-r-red worms on my ring?" stammered Frodo.  
  
"Er, no...wait, yes, erm, possibly? Ah, I remember now! That horrid Lobelia woman wanted you to ask that Pippin fellow if he was available for dinner sometime this week."  
  
Frodo was slightly bewildered by this request. "Are you sure that's all?" he asked confusedly.  
  
"Um...no. Perhaps it DID have something to do with The Ring," There was a sudden shriek from one of the trees. It sounded oddly like "GAH! SCARYBITCHGIRLFROMTHERING!" Frodo jumped and looked around, alarmed.  
  
"Did you hear that?" he whispered.  
  
"No, I didn't. You're hallucinating again. Now listen closely, I have a story to tell you," Gandalf proceeded to tell a wide-eyed Frodo the story of the ring, or more importantly, the love story of Sméagol and Deagol, a story of corruption, greed, and river folk lust. This story did not end well, as Sméagol ended up strangling Deagol for being a dirty, cheating skank.  
  
"And I think you know the rest from there," finished Gandalf. "Sméagol changed his name to Gollum, grew a pink afro to disguise himself, and moved to the mountains. That is where your Uncle Bilbo found him, and so on and so forth."  
  
Frodo shuddered at the end of this tale. "I didn't know you could use a ring for...THAT."  
  
"Of course you can!" Gandalf exclaimed cheerfully. "But now you must keep it hidden. You can't tell anyone about it, not even your...er...special...friend. Sam something. Whatever."  
  
"GAH!" Frodo yelped, looking disgusted, "Why does everyone thing that?! What Sam and I have is purely platonic!"  
  
Sam suddenly flew into convulsions. Twitch had caused more neurological damage than she had thought. "SCENTED BAR SOAP! BUTTER SPRAY!! PONY CLUB!!" he yelled. Frodo looked surprised and leaned out the window to drag Sam in by his collar. Gandalf was immediately in his face.  
  
"What did you hear?" he growled menacingly. But Sam was too far gone.  
  
"LEMON PUMPERNICKEL SQUARES!" he shouted, jerking his arms around and whacking Gandalf in the face in the process. This caused Gandalf's staff to explode violently and shoot out random beams of fire. One streamed through the open window and hit a tree. A loud shriek emanated from the tree, sounding very similar to the one Frodo had heard before. A large flaming object came hurtling out of the tree, followed by another large, not-so- flaming object.  
  
It was the fangirls. And Aye's head was on fire. A rather amusing situation for anyone that was not Aye. Fortunately, there was a handy barrel of water right by the window, in which Aye doused her head. Her appearance coming out of the barrel was, well, different from what it had been 5 seconds before. Her hair had been singed down to a few inches, which stuck out raggedly from behind her slightly burnt ears.  
  
"My HAIR!!" she wailed, "My beautiful, beautiful HAIR!!" Twitch doubled over into a fit of giggles.  
  
"Serves...you right...for...writing...on my...face! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!" she choked out. Aye whimpered and gingerly felt what was left of her hair. Twitch turned her attentions to the hobbits. "Frooodooo..." She began advancing towards the terrified hobbit. Sam had recovered slightly, and jumped in front of Frodo, wielding his faithful frying pan. Until he noticed which fangirl he was facing.  
  
"YOU!!" he yelped, convulsing once more, "AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" he squeaked, spazzing out on the floor. Twitch cackled evilly and prepared to glomp.  
  
"No you don't, not this time," Frodo muttered, and with some awesome hobbit super power, shot up towards the ceiling and clung to the rafters. Twitch goggled at him in awe.  
  
Gandalf suddenly realized that he was the only partially-sane person in the room, and that his status as that was greatly endangered. He decided it was time to depart.  
  
"I must leave, I have...business to attend to, things to find," He grabbed his cloak and hat and was on his way to the door when he remembered something (a rare occurrence). "OhyesandFrodoyouwillusemovingtoCrickhollowasanexcusetogetthehelloutofheredo n'ttellanyonebutSamwhoapparantlyknowsmeetmeinBree," he said as quickly as possible, and darted through the door, glad to be putting as much distance as was possible between himself and the fangirls.  
  
"Well, at least he took his freaking hat with him," muttered Aye, who was now sulking in the corner, feeling her hair.  
  
"Wait, did he say Crickhollow?" asked Frodo from the ceiling, "That's all the way across the Brandywine! What if I run into a creepy hobbit molester or get hobbitnapped?"  
  
The fangirls perked up.  
  
"Brandy?"  
  
"Wine??"  
  
"BOOZE!!" They shouted in unison gleefully, jumping up and down. This sparked a comment from the convulsing Sam.  
  
"POINTY THINGS IN BOOZE!" he screamed.  
  
"No!" sighed poor Frodo, who seemed to be in the middle of what was starting to look like a psych ward, "The Brandywine is a river."  
  
"An entire RIVER of alcohol??" shouted Aye incredulously, "WHOOT!!"  
  
"We'll help you pack!" yelled Twitch, scampering off, probably to do more harm than good.  
  
"And I know the perfect person you could sell your place off to," said Aye, "You know, for a profit," then followed Twitch to 'help pack'.  
  
NOW REVIEW, OR IT'S YOUR HEAD ON A STICK OR YOUR ASS ON A PLATE!! BWAHAHAHAHHAAA!! *cough* Er, I mean, review, pretty please?  
  
Later Note: *GASP* WE ARE SUCH DUMBASSES!! We are so, so, SO sorry for any and all inconveniences!! OK, so Caity Burke has a semi-cameo as Lobelia Sackville-Bagginses, hence the Lobelia Sackville-BURKE. We also haven't cussed in this chapter (The shame!! The SHAME!!), and have made a few minor edits. And the part where Gandalf's telling Frodo to meet him in Bree, that's a webpage formatting error, so I can't help with that. Oh yeah, any errors you catch will be rewarded with a hobbit plushie!  
  
-Aye 


	4. Of the Neon Boxers of Frodo

Welcome to the Twilight Zone, er... Chapter 4 of The Rabid Hobbit Glomping Fanfic. This is the remnants of the carnage that was Chapter 3. No need to worry now though, as I have taken away Aye's chainsaw. If you are morally opposed to drug references, homosexuality, or rabid fangirls, you should not read this chapter. Or this fic for that matter. So without further ado, Chapter 4! *curtain randomly swings open* -Twitch  
  
Disclaimer: blahblahblah, blah, blah BLAH. Seriously. Would you sue if we didn't put the disclaimer up?  
  
The reviewers ROCK. We got really awesome reviews this time, including AJ's!! His was the best. And since Merry the Beta Feesh is our 50th reviewer, SHE GETS A FULL SIZE DIRTY MAN PLUSHIE!! By Dirty Man, we mean Aragorn. He's a dirty man.  
  
Everyone congratulate Caity Burke for being an awesome semi-cameo! And Merry, the Beta Feesh!  
  
Mistakes caught are rewarded by HOBBIT PLUSHIES!! And our 100th reviewer will get something...very special. *evil smirk*  
  
-Aye  
  
The next morning, Bag End was in an uproar. Throughout the course of the night, the fangirls had rummaged through every room in search of useful things to pack.  
  
"Ooo. What's this?" Twitch asked, holding up a pair of bright green shorts covered in what looked like miniature elves. Frodo abruptly burst into the room, yelling.  
  
"NO! OUT!" He snatched the neon shorts away from Twitch.  
  
"I think they're boxers," Aye said, appearing behind Frodo's shoulder. She poked them, causing the harassed hobbit to squeal in fright. "I didn't know they had boxers in Middle Earth."  
  
"Well, they're not in very good taste, are they? They're neon green!"  
  
"Hey, my HAIR'S that color! Are you insinuating something?" Aye had managed to get hold of a bottle of bleach, dye, and some hair gel. The result was decidedly odd.  
  
"And what's the matter with neon green? I happen to fancy that color, I do," Frodo said, rather hurt.  
  
"Oh, well if you like it, I like it, my dear Frodo!" Twitch said happily, and glomped him. Frodo emitted a high pitched shriek, and Sam came running.  
  
"Mr. Frodo! What do you think you're doing, fangirl?" Sam said angrily, "Unhand Mr. Frodo at once!"  
  
Aye sighed. "Where's Meriadoc? He never turns up when you want him." She morosely poked at the neon green boxers. Sam twitched.  
  
"THE SMELL OF SPART! THE SMELL OF SPART! THE SMELL OF SPART! OOGLYBOOGLIANMAN! BLARGH!" he screamed, writhing. Aye gave out a small erk, and edged away. Twitch hung onto Frodo, too much in bliss to notice anything else. There was a sharp smell of cheese, and a shout from outside.  
  
"OY PIP! YOU SQUISHED MY CHEESE!" Aye perked up, and ran to the window and stuck her head through, smashing the glass. Twitch sniggered. Sam let out a shriek.  
  
"EAT SNAILS, NOT CRAYONS!"  
  
"BLARGH!" she yelped, rubbing her head. "That freaking hurt!" She opened the window, ignoring the broken glass, and peered out. Merry was chasing Pippin, who had the remains of a cheese in his hands. "MERIADOC!!" howled Aye in joy. She launched herself out through the window and zoomed towards the unwary hobbits. Twitch watched her with mild interest.  
  
"I didn't think that hobbits knew CPR. Hum," She cuddled Frodo, who was looking gloomier than ever. "You be so cute! Adorable little hobbit," Sam shuddered and pulled himself together, giving Twitch a hearty whack over the head.  
  
"Off, fangirl!" he croaked. Twitch let go of Frodo, looking irately around at Sam. Outside, Merry and Pippin were screaming and running for their lives.  
  
"I JUST WANT TO GLOMP YOU! COME BACK!! PLEASE??" Aye wailed. Twitch decided to make her move. She grabbed the unhappy Frodo and dove through the window.  
  
"Sam! Help!" Frodo yelped.  
  
"Mr. Frodo! I'm coming!" He crashed through the wall, causing Twitch to turn around and gape at him.  
  
"How do you do that?" she demanded, "I can never seem to bash through the walls properly!" Taking advantage of Twitch's astonishment, Sam grabbed Frodo and ran. Twitch blinked, and yelled, "HEY! BRING BACK MY FRODO!! NOOOO!!"  
  
Merry and Pippin ran by her screaming, "RABID FANGIRL!! GAH!!"  
  
"STOP RUNNING SO FAST!! JUST ONE GLOMP!" cried Aye. Twitch looked mournful.  
  
"Froooodoooo," she sniffled. Aye, being half blind, tripped over Twitch's foot.  
  
"BLARGH!" Aye glowered at Twitch. "You made me let them get away!" she pouted, whacking Twitch violently.  
  
"OW!! You bitch!" she snarled, whacking Aye back. Aye whacked Twitch. Twitch whacked Aye. Aye whacked Twitch. And...well...yes.  
  
The hobbits finally set out, after a week of avoiding fangirls (and more importantly, Lobelia), buying, selling, lovers' quarrels, packing, and etc.  
  
"Wanker, wanker, wanker! I made it out of clay!" Pippin sang.  
  
"Where'd you learn that song?" asked Merry  
  
"Strangest thing, I can't remember." Merry and Pippin had linked arms and were skipping cheerfully along. Sam munched on an apple and watched Frodo do his funky chicken dance.  
  
"Dance with me Sam! It's better with two people!" panted Frodo, jumping about.  
  
"No thanks, Mr. Frodo. I prefer to watch."  
  
"OY!" Pippin shouted, "MUSHROOMS!" Everybody turned around to look at Pippin, who was on his knees by a substantial mushroom patch.  
  
"Just in time for second breakfast too!" Merry said gleefully. He produced several bags out of nowhere and handed one to Pip. Sam came scurrying up, eager for his share. Frodo, however, warily walked up.  
  
"It might be booby trapped! Don't touch it!"  
  
"Lighten up, Frodo! They're mushrooms!" The three hobbits quickly demolished the patch, filling their bags.  
  
"LOOK!! HOBBITS!!" The hobbits jerked around to see the rabid fangirls running towards them.  
  
"RUN!" Merry cried. The four jumped up and sprinted away.  
  
"NOOOO!! HOBBITS!! COME BACK! I PROMISE I WON'T SQUISH YOUUU!" Twitch screamed. Aye produced a sudden burst of speed  
  
"MEEEEEERRRRRIIIIIIIAAAADDDDDDOOOOCCCC!" she shrieked. Pippin screeched to a halt.  
  
"WHY must you call him Meriadoc? Everyone else says Merry!"  
  
Twitch, who was panting hard, stopped and shuddered. "Bad experiences," she said darkly, "VERY bad experiences."  
  
"Oh. Ok, I was just wondering. Bye now!" Pippin said cheerfully, and started running as fast as his overlarge feet could carry him. Being the clever hobbit he was, he managed to just escape the clutches of and exhausted Aye. She was feeling rather winded, being rather...chunky...  
  
"No! Wait!" she called, falling behind. "Meriadoc! Pippin!" Twitch came puffing up.  
  
"Damn hobbits, they run too fast," Twitch said, leaning on the much shorter Aye, who glared and pushed her off.  
  
"We'll catch up once they take a break," she said sadly, "Should've trained while I still could," Sighing, the fangirls somersaulted down the rest of the hill.  
  
Discovering that they had lost the fangirls, the now cheery hobbits sat down to enjoy a second breakfast in a small clearing in the woods.  
  
"Mmm...'shrooms!" Pippin said enthusiastically, handing his bag of stolen crops to Merry. "Fresh from the field," He grinned cheekily in that adorable hobbit fashion we all love.  
  
Merry suddenly squealed in delight. "Pip! We got Maggot's SPECIAL stock!!" Sam looked gleeful and rubbed his hands together. Frodo looked worried.  
  
"But what if Farmer Maggot poisoned them? And it's unsanitary! We should wait, just in case."  
  
"Screw that!" Merry said impatiently, whacking Frodo over the head. He grabbed a few, rubbed the dirt off, and popped them into his mouth. Pippin snatched the bag from him and took several large handfuls, stuffing his mouth.  
  
"Yummy!" he said, and handed Sam the bag. Sam stuck his face in it. "Ew," Pippin said, taking the bag back. "Sam, don't do that. It's unsanitary."  
  
Merry took another handful, munching. Pippin let out a sudden bark of laughter.  
  
"Merry! Your head is...GREEN!" He burst out into sniggers. He stood up, swaying. "And there, my friends, is my friend, my friend!" He fell over into Merry's lap, squishing the bag of 'shrooms.  
  
"Pippin! No need to do that!" Merry said indignantly.  
  
"Course not, Merry. You're so awesome," Pippin said dreamily, and hugged him, giggling. Sam doubled up in laughter.  
  
"Missha Froodooo...Eye sheem to be upshide dooown again..." Sam lay down and tilted his head back. "Look at alllllll the preeeetty leaves! One, two, three, four, ninety eleven, apples and blue moons."  
  
"Pippin..." gurgled Merry, bending his head to the right slightly "Is it just me or does your foot look like a giant... turkey?" Pippin looked at his hand.  
  
"Why sho it does..." he muttered, stuck it in his mouth and began chewing.  
  
"Eep, I'm getting out of here." said Frodo, and attempted to depart, looking for some sanity.  
  
"Waaaiiit Missha Froodooo! I'll hewep yooouuu!" yelled Sam, struggling to his feet.  
  
"No, Sam, I'm quite all right." shouted Frodo, he tried to run, but Sam lunged at his ankles and held him in a death grip.  
  
"Hey lookit Merry, Frodo's foot just a splode!" yelled Pippin.  
  
"A sloped?!" shouted Merry, terrified, "Where? I'll kill that little bugger!" he jumped to his feet, banging Pippin's head on the ground in the process.  
  
"Ow, Sam, why you do that?" yelled Pip.  
  
"I dinn do ayyfing! It was Missha Froodooo it wash!" shouted Sam  
  
There was a crash. Frodo jumped around, twitching.  
  
"FUCKING TREE!! BLARGH!!" Sounds of a tree being violently attacked floated through the clearing. "FUCKING PIECE OF FREAKING CRAP! GRAH!!"  
  
"Shut up! It's a freaking TREE."  
  
"IT HURT ME!! IT MUST DIE!! GRAH!!"  
  
"Hey look! A HOBBIT!"  
  
"Where! Where!"  
  
"There, you blind fool!"  
  
"I can't see him! Oh there he is! He's wearing brown, right?"  
  
"No, you idiot. That's the bloody tree."  
  
"Oh. Er...right then," The two fangirls stumbled into the clearing, Aye still looking vaguely around for a hobbit.  
  
"See?? THERE!" Twitch snapped, grabbing Aye's green spiked head and turning it towards Frodo.  
  
"OH I SEE HIM!! HAHA! LO, LITTLE HOBBIT! HOW BE YOU THIS FINE DAY!!"  
  
"Idiot," muttered Twitch. Then she noticed the hallucinating hobbits. "Er...what happened to THEM?" Frodo squeaked and grabbed Sam.  
  
"Sam? Sam??" There was a neigh, and a horseish snort. Aye and Twitch looked startled.  
  
"Are hobbits supposed to sound like that?" Aye asked nervously. Menacing sounds of horses hooves pervaded the wood. "Erk..."  
  
"Holy crap, it's the Black Riders! Aye, you fool!"  
  
"What'd I do??"  
  
Sam laughed. "Misshha Froodooo, I love yoouu."  
  
"Not now, Sam!" Frodo said desperately. Trapped between fangirls and scary men on horses. Not good. With a burst of superhobbit strength, he grabbed all three hobbits and simply ran over the fangirls.  
  
"Whoa."  
  
"Dude."  
  
"I had no clue hobbits could do that!" Twitch remarked, rather surprised to find herself on the ground.  
  
"Me neither," The fangirls lay there for sometime, feeling thwarted.  
  
The three hobbits had finally reached Crickhollow after several days, where they were greeted by Fatty Bolger. Thankfully, they did not have any more such encounters with shrooms or Black Riders. The fangirls had been trailing them the entire time, attempting to steal Pippin's pipe. Seeing them enter the house, the fangirls decided to sneak around to the back and watch them through the windows. Unfortunately, the windows were too high for the fangirls to see through, as the dwelling was on a sharp incline. There was, however, a tree conveniently placed just by it. Twitch quickly scaled it with what she referred to as her "mad tree climbing skills". Aye called it "dumbass jumping-up-and-down-to-catch-hold-of-a-branch-and-then- trying-to-get-up-onto-it skills".  
  
"What's going on up there?" shouted Aye.  
  
"SHHHH," hissed Twitch. "I love this line!" After a few moments of silence, a drunken shout rang out.  
  
"A BAFF!" cried a rather inebriated Pippin. "OH BLESHED MEEYADUCK!"  
  
Twitch squealed in joy, but then realized what she was looking at. "Holy crap," she muttered. It turned out that the window she had chosen to look through was the bathroom window. Not too smart, our Twitch.  
  
As the hobbits entered the bathroom, Aye began to impatiently kick the tree. "What's going on?" she yelled.  
  
"They're...they're...BATHING TOGETHER!! GAH!!" Twitch shrieked and nearly fell off of the branch. Aye gave a convulsive shudder. Jibbly.  
  
"SHING HEY FO DE BAFF AH CLOSH O DAY THA WASHESH DE WEERY MUD AWAY!" half screeched Pippin.  
  
Aye began kicking the tree again, this time harder.  
  
"Cut the fuck out! Stop!! No! You're going to make me...FALL!! HOLY FREAKING-" Twitch toppled over and screamed. Aye yelped and jumped back from the cascade of leaves and Twitchiness.  
  
"DAMMIT AYE! What the fuck is WRONG with you??"  
  
"Er...there's a lot. Want me to list them all?" Aye grinned madly at the disgruntled Twitch.  
  
"On second thought, no." It was at this point a curly head stuck itself out the window. The curly head turned out to belong to Sam.  
  
"GAH!! NAKED HOBBIT!" yelled Aye, and dove for cover, hiding her eyes.  
  
"Oh no! It's THEM!" Sam shouted. There was a sound that could have possibly been Mr. Frodo shrieking in terror, then dropping to the floor and curling up in the fetal position for protection, but that's just a guess. "BACK! BACK, YOU HORRID FANGIRLS!! AWAY I SAY!" Through the window came odd cooking items, including a soufflé pan. Several hit the fangirls over the head, which sent them screaming towards the trees. And Aye, being the clumsy, near-sighted fool that she was, ran the wrong way and smashed into the wall, knocking herself out.  
  
REVIEW!! REVIEW!! OR ELSE I'LL SIC THE BETA FEESH ON YOU!! Whoa...that rhymes!! I have such mad skill... *evil psychotic grin*  
  
-Aye 


	5. Of Hobbit Molesting Trees and Other Such...

Author's Note: *a splodes the evil 'rents* Yes, well, we WOULD have had this up about a month earlier if it wasn't for my 'rents cutting off my internet. And Twitch getting grounded. Sorry for the delay! We'll have the next chapter up very, very soon. We're almost done. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys kick ass!! *dishes out I LOVE HOBBIT mugs* No pun intended. Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!! SHUT UP!! *blows up the world*  
  
And now, for our feature presentation, *screen fades out and everyone shuts up* *scrolly word things appear*  
  
THE RABID HOBBIT GLOMPING FANFIC, CHAPTER 5  
  
Twitch, Aye, and Merry the Beta Feesh proudly presents  
  
A Twitch, Aye, and Merry the Beta Feesh production  
  
Starring Tomother as Tom Bombadil  
  
*theme music*  
  
-Aye  
  
The next morning...  
  
The hobbits departed from Crickhollow after discussing very important issues, such as mushrooms, conspiracies, big, boring books, 'shrooms, the ring, and of course, mushrooms. Fatty Bolger was feeling forlorn and left behind.  
  
"Pippin..." he sniffled, "Don't go..."  
  
"Don't worry, Fatty! I'll come back!" Pippin said cheerfully, hanging onto Merry, who was completely unaware of Fatty's pining. Pippin patted Fatty on the head and glomped Merry.  
  
"STOP, PIP!" Merry snapped, taking Pippin's head and shoving it away. "You're irritating me. I have to get the ponies saddled now. Blargh."  
  
The rest of the morning continued like this, until Merry finally decided to tie Pippin to his pony to stop the incessant glomping.  
  
At long last the hobbits entered the Old Forest.  
  
"Beware," muttered Merry, "this old forest is queer."  
  
There was a snicker from one of the trees. Poor, paranoid Frodo was trembling in his boots. Er...foot hair, rather. The freakishly creepy trees appeared to be closing in on all sides. Even Sam, who had his wits about him for once, was a bit nervous.  
  
"Eeee! SAM!! SAVE ME!" Frodo shrieked, clinging to Sam's arm. Sam looked vaguely happier with this new development. Merry and Pippin, however, were squicked out.  
  
"Ew," Pippin said, wrinkling his nose, "They're even worse than me and Merry!"  
  
All of a sudden, with a crash and a bang, something came plummeting to the forest floor. All four hobbits shouted in fright and jumped back.  
  
"MY CHIBI REAPER!! MIIIIIINE!! GIVE HIM BACK, DAMMIT!!"  
  
"NO, BITCHASS!! HE'S MINE!"  
  
"MINE!!"  
  
"MINE!!"  
  
The rabid fangirls had discovered a pair of three foot high, bubbly little things with scythes. The hobbits watched in awe, amazed that anything could be as loud as the fangirls were now. But after a few minutes, they soon grew bored and retreated to rest by some trees, as it was quickly becoming a rather extended and repetitive argument.  
  
"I'm bored," mumbled Sam sadly. He was sitting under a tree making little crowns out of Reynolds Wrap.  
  
"Whaaaaazt ish dad youuus maykeeng?" asked Pippin, stumbling and swinging an empty flask.  
  
"Kingsfoil," replied Sam, matter-of-factly.  
  
Meanwhile, the fangirl fight had escalated. Twitch was now shrieking in pitches only dogs could hear, and the poor chibis looked as if they would be torn to pieces.  
  
"MYYYYYYYYYY CHIIIIIIIIIIBIIIIII!!" screamed Aye, whacking violently Twitch with a tree branch.  
  
"OW, YOU WANKER, YOU CUT ME!!" And it was true. Several drops of blood went flying. For some unknown reason, this sent Merry into a blood-thirsty rage.  
  
"BLOOD!! KILL!! RAR!!" he roared, diving into the fight. That seemed to be the last straw for the trees. A large tree started making menacing movements towards the bickering fangirls and violent hobbit.  
  
"Save the chibis!" yelled Aye, stuffing the chibi reaper ninja into her suddenly existent backpack and diving out of the way.  
  
"Come here chibi reaper!" Twitch shouted, lunging for the miniature reaper. The chibi had other thoughts. He slashed at the attacking fangirl with his scythe and scampered away. "NOOO!!" Twitch cried, pounding a fist angrily against an unsuspecting tree, "Come back!!"  
  
"Um, I wouldn't do that if I were you..." whispered Frodo fearfully. The tree began moving its great branches in a threatening manner, shaking leaves down on the heads of everyone present.  
  
"HOLY CRAP!! THE TREE!! IT'S MOVING!!" Aye shrieked. Merry yelped and ran over to Pippin.  
  
"AS IF THE OTHER ONE WASN'T AS WELL!!" Twitch hollered. Aye clutched her backpack, fearing the worst. There was a muffled squeak and a loud ripping noise as the chibi ninja reaper appeared, whacking Aye over the head with his scythe. She dropped the backpack, and threw her arms over her head.  
  
"OOOOWWWWWW!! THAT HURRRRRTTTTSSS!!" she wailed piteously. The chibi ninja reaper zoomed over to Twitch and dumped a slooshee on her head, probably for harming the chibi reaper. Considering his work done, he leapt up into the trees with mad martial arts skills.  
  
"Whoa, he has a NICE arse," Aye remarked, staring up. "Nice legs too."  
  
"BLARGH! Where'd he get the slooshee?!" Twitch exclaimed, wiping her face.  
  
"MY SLOOSHEE!!" Aye cried, suddenly recognizing the strange, neon substance on Twitch's head, "THAT'S MY SLOOSHEE ON YOUR HEAD!!"  
  
"Well, get it OFF!" Twitch clawed at her hair. Aye looked mournful.  
  
"Waste of a good slooshee. 'Twas a nice slooshee," muttered Aye, "Stupid Twitch. Want chibi ninja reaper. Want slooshee. Meh."  
  
The tree had advanced while the fangirls and hobbits were distracted. It loomed ominously over the irritated and unsuspecting Twitch.  
  
"I hate that fucking chibi reaper ninja; the chibi reaper is FAR cooler. I hate that fucking Aye and her fucking slooshee too."  
  
"HEY! Watch what you say about me chibi ninja reaper! AND my slooshee!!" Aye glared and threw the remains of her backpack at Twitch's head. Needless to say, she missed, hitting the big, scary tree instead. The tree gave a giant tree-ish roar, startling the hobbits, who had been quietly creeping off. Frodo squealed and ran, leaving Merry, Pippin, and Sam behind. Aye and Twitch screamed.  
  
"RUN!! RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!! GAH!!"  
  
And run they did, losing the tree (and the hobbits) and appearing at a big, happy, sunny river. Most off-putting for Twitch.  
  
"Ooo...big and blue..." Aye said, fascinated with the water. "Preeeeeeeeetttyy..." Twitch glowered at her, still attempting to get the remains of the slooshee out of her hair.  
  
"You won't like it so much when I'm drowning you in it," she threatened, flailing her arms about like a moron, "Damn you and all your slooshee cohorts!!"  
  
"I LIKED that slooshee!! You always ruin my fun," Aye kicked a substantial amount of dirt into the river. A random tree behind her creaked warningly. Twitch froze.  
  
"Holy, holy crap!"  
  
"BLARGH!! RUUUUUNN!!"  
  
"Well, Mr. Frodo. We lost them," Sam said cheerfully. The hobbits had run the other way, avoiding the rabid fangirls.  
  
"But what if they come back? What if they come up and attack us in our sleep?"  
  
"Why, I'll just whack 'em over the head with my frying pan, that's all!" Sam waved his frying pan merrily. "Think I've got the hang of this thing, I have."  
  
"Very well, Sam," Frodo said disconsolately. Long creepers from unfriendly trees swayed above the hobbits. You could almost hear them saying "menacemenacemenace!!fearus!!rar!!" Sam eyed them suspiciously. Merry and Pippin, however, were oblivious to everything. Singing cheerfully, they skipped along, munching on carrots. Pippin suddenly sat down and yawned.  
  
"Meeerrryyyy...wanna nap. Shleepy time," he said, and promptly passed out. Merry sniffed his breath and winced.  
  
"No more brandy for him tonight, that's for sure," he said, taking away Pippin's flagon. Swigging a good amount, he sat down by the river bank and stretched out in the sun. Frodo eyeballed the trees and tugged at Sam's sleeve.  
  
"Sam! It's not safe! All those evil hobbit molesting trees!!"  
  
"It won't hurt to have a bit of sleep, Mr. Frodo. Why don't you sit down for a little bit, and I'll get you a drink of nice, fresh water from the river."  
  
"But I might get dysentery!! NOOO!! Sam, don't leave meeee!!" Frodo wailed, as Sam wandered off with a cup to the river. A tree prodded him in the back with a sharp stick. "OW!! GGAAAAAAAH!! SCARY HOBBIT MOLESTING TREES!! EEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEE!!" He scuttled to Sam's side, quivering.  
  
"BLARGH!! THE TREE!! IT'S EATING ME!!" Merry had been rather rudely awakened by a big fat tree. Pippin was still snoring, even though a branch had wrapped itself around his waist and was dragging him along to join Merry in the trunk. Frodo screamed and hid behind Sam.  
  
"mmmhobbitflavored," murmured the tree.  
  
This sent Sam flying into convulsions. "HOBBIT MUFFIN PUDDING!!" he yelled, writhing, as Frodo, finding his cover gone, decided to try and help his two friends.  
  
"Evil tree!! Stop!! Grar!!" He kicked at the tree violently, causing it to creak angrily.  
  
"GAH!! STOP!! IT'S GOING TO SQUISH ME!!" Pippin shrilled, having woken up from his alcohol induced slumber.  
  
"RAPE!! RAPE!! SAAAAVE MEEEE!!" Merry screamed. Sudden untuneful yells pierced the forest, cutting through the racket.  
  
"MOO MOO SAID THE COW," A noise that sounded rather like a dying farm animal came wafting up the river to the vague tune of Row Row Row Your Boat. "DROWNING UP THE STREAM!! WANKER, WANKER, WANKER, WANKER, WE ALL LIKE TO SCREAM!!"  
  
"ICE CREAM!!" someone else hollered.  
  
"ICY MINT ICE DROPS!! THE LIQUID BREATH MINT!! BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED!!" shrieked Sam. And lo! and behold! Two rather wet fangirls drifted up the river, clinging to a broken tree stump.  
  
"Hey look!! It looks like hobbits!!"  
  
"PAHAHAHA!! LO LITTLE HOBBIT!! HOW BE YOU THIS FINE DAY!!"  
  
"Dude!! That's MY line!!" Aye said, rather offended. She glared.  
  
"Well, SO?? You're not using it."  
  
"Blaht. You suck. Wanker." The two of them proceeded to clamber onto the tree bank. Aye shivered. "I don't like the cold. Evil cold."  
  
"Wuss."  
  
Aye glowered. She adjusted her HI MY NAME IS LOSER sticker and poked it sullenly. "I liked that slooshee."  
  
Frodo let out a tiny eep. Twitch immediately leapt around to face him. "Come here linno hobbit...hobbits sho cuddly!" The poor harassed hobbit edged away, and suddenly shrieked and fled.  
  
"GGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! HELP!! HELP! HEEEEELPHELPHELP!!" he screamed, windmilling his arms around.  
  
"Hep! HEPPITY HEP ON TOAST!" yelped Sam, without any particular provocation.  
  
"AND THE GREEN GRASS GROWS ALL AROUND ALL AROUND AND THE GREEN GRASS GROWS ALL AROUND!!" came a sing-songy voice out of nowhere. A strange short-ish man dressed in many pretty colors and a giant-ass hat approached the group, seemingly out of nowhere.  
  
"TOM BOMBADIL!!" shrieked the fangirls gleefully, jumping up and down. Frodo looked at him in confusion.  
  
"Be you hobbit molester?" he asked, looking cross-eyedly at the newcomer.  
  
"AND WE SAID NAY! WE ARE BUT MEN! FUCK!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! OOOOHH!! WHOOOAAA!! OH YEAH!! THIS IS NOT THE GREATEST SONG IN THE WORLD, NO! THIS IS JUST A TRIBUTE!! COULDN'T REMEMBER THE GREATEST SONG IN THE WORLD, YEAH, NO!! THIS IS JUST A TRIBUTE!!"  
  
"Ah...I'll be going now..." Frodo said in an undertone, backing away. Tom Bombadil grinned madly at him.  
  
"Well, young master. I have your diagnosis. You suffer from severe paranoia, coupled with what might be schizophrenia. Now, I don't mean to alarm you, but you may have to be medicated."  
  
"No! That's not it at all! My friends are being eaten by a big, ugly TREE!!"  
  
"What, ho! Tom Bombadil knows what to do! To the rescue!!" And with random theme music playing from the gaping plot hole in the sky, Tom Bombadil zoomed off to save Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Think if I stick your head in the tree, it'll spit Meriadoc out?" Aye cackled evilly and sized up Twitch's head.  
  
"Don't even think about trying," Twitch retorted.  
  
"But! They're HOBBITS!! They deserve to be saved!! And your head is like a BARGAIN!!"  
  
"NO!! MY HEAD!!" Twitch hugged her head possessively and glared out at Aye through her arms. If that's possible.  
  
"Such rash measures won't be necessary," said Tom Bombadil, zooming around with Frodo in tow.  
  
"FRODO!!" yelped Twitch, and immediately glomped and latched onto him. Aye eyed the far taller Tom Bombadil.  
  
"Hi! My name is Loser!" she declared, pointing to her sticker.  
  
"I see," Tom said, making a notation in his shrink's notebook," "Well, then, where is this might, hobbit-eating tree that the young master speaks of?"  
  
"Er...I can't imagine!" Aye said, puzzled.  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMMPH!!" screamed something from inside a tree.  
  
"Ah. There it is!!" Tom Bombadil walked boldly up to the tree and poked it with a big stick. He then proceeded to jump around madly while chanting something that sounded oddly like the lyrics to Identity Crisis. Aye peered over his shoulder. The two hobbits appeared, flying out of the tree, and landed on the unfortunate Sam, who was still convulsing.  
  
"CRAYOLA!! NATURE'S COPPERTONE!!" he whuffled, knocked out of breath. In the background, Twitch cuddled a hassled Frodo.  
  
"My little hobbit! I'm going to take you home, and feed you, and walk you, and take care of you, and I will name you George. Yay!" she said happily.  
  
"But my name ISN'T George!" exclaimed Frodo, squirming. Twitch, however, was totally off in her own world.  
  
"Ooo, and you can meet TODD!!"  
  
"Todd? What's a Todd?" asked Frodo warily, attempting to squirm away.  
  
"Mmmph, I can find him...somewhere..." Twitch released Frodo, rooting around in her hoodie pocket and strewing everything known to mankind, from a chemistry book, to what appeared to be a live potato with ears and eyes, all over the ground. Aye ran over to the startled Merry and Pippin and glomped them, adding to the weight on Sam.  
  
"Adorable little hobbitses!!" she squealed, hugging them. Tom Bombadil strode about, waving his arms and singing 99 Red Balloons. Sam, having recovered, crawled out of the hobbit/Aye clump and groaned. Frodo edged his way over to Sam.  
  
"You ok?" he asked quietly, hoping to not attract the attention of Twitch, who was currently chasing a lab mouse that had escaped her pocket.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Frodo, I'll be alright," Sam said wearily.  
  
"I have an idea!" Tom Bombadil suddenly exclaimed, "Come little hobbits! I shall take you to my house for nourishment and such!"  
  
"What about me?" asked Aye, still holding Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Eh, both of you can come too!"  
  
"Twitch, get your fucking mouse, we're going!" Aye shouted.  
  
"But...the MOUSE!!" Twitch whined, lunging for it.  
  
"Just come on, damnit. Fucking wanker..."  
  
"Wait," Merry said warily, slipping out of Aye's grasp and tugging Pip away, "THEY'RE coming? I'm not so sure I want to go now."  
  
But Tom Bombadil was already on his way, twirling his giant-ass hat and singing loudly.  
  
"EAT VEGETABLES WITH EVERY MEAL OR YOU LIPS WILL START TO PEEL AND YOUR EYEBALLS WILL FALL OUT AND YOUR FEET WILL SMELL LIKE TROUT!!" The hobbits and fangirls formed a bit of a caravan behind him, Sam walking backwards to ward off Aye and Twitch with his frying pan.  
  
White people love junk food. Which means 90% of Americans has had a slooshee. Which means 90% of Americans are infected with the virus. 24/7, in which East Indian storekeepers take over the world. Check it out now: Dude, they should pay me for advertising. XD  
  
Congratulate Merry the Beta Feesh and Tomother on their wedding and birth of their fetus, BLAND!! And click that beeeYOOOOOtiful little button that says review, and you won't die a slow painful death!  
  
-Aye 


	6. The Tale of Dryer Lint and Squid Jacks

Disclaimer: If we owned Middle Earth, we would have money, and we just can't have THAT happening, can we?  
  
*sparkly confetti flies everywhere* *announcer voice* AND NOW, THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING (months) FOR: CHAPTER SIX!! We apologize profusely for the delay, but we have been going on other literary ventures. Namely, our newspaper, The Middle School Underground. You should read it if you get the chance. Also, we would like to introduce Bland the Fetus *drags haggard looking fetus up to where everyone can see* He be the offspring of Merry and Tomother. All must congratulate them on his arrival. And...that's it! ON WITH THE SHOW!  
  
-Twitch  
  
Er...side note. 100th reviewer is awesomous and will get the awesomest thing in the world! And on the newspaper, we will have an online version of that fairly soon. Hopefully.  
  
-Aye  
  
"GOTTA DIE GOTTA DIE GOTTA DIE FOR YOUR GOVERNMENT, DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY THAT'S SHIT!" the fangirls screamed, Tom Bombadil providing the background base, guitar, and drums. The hobbits trailed behind, wondering if anything could be as off key as the fangirls.  
  
"Merry...make them stop!" Pippin whined, tugging at Merry's sleeve. He had one hand clapped over an adorable pointy hobbit ear and was twitching from side to side. "Well it's your fault for having a hangover," grumbled Merry, "And I'm not about to get near that-that FANGIRL."  
  
"But Merry! It hurts!" Pippin whimpered unhappily, attempting to bury his head in his pack. Merry sighed and started picking up the items that fell from Pippin's pack at random intervals. Which included a tampon that was signed Love, Goman the Woman, Pippin's Very Secret Diary, a kicking paddle, Mardi Gras beads, carrots, a fuzzy potato with giant-ass ears and eyes, a funny looking imp thing with wings that had a big sign reading STINY: PRODUCT OF AN ABUSIVE HOME, a cologne bottle of Merryishnesh, a pipe, a rubber ducky, and a greething. "Are you clean?" Frodo asked nervously, staring at the newest object to fall out of Pippin's pack, a strange looking egg.  
  
"Mah hair is," the egg replied.  
  
"But you have no hair!" Frodo squealed, clinging to Sam. Sam swung the frying pan menacingly at the strange egg.  
  
"Essatly," it mumbled amusedly.  
  
"The GERMS!! Think of the GERMS!!" Frodo screamed in agitation.  
  
"There be no Germans here," it said contemptuously.  
  
"The GERMS!"  
  
"Tastes like Pepsi." And with that, the egg weebled away. Sam patted Frodo on the head.  
  
"There, Mr. Frodo. It's gone now," he said soothingly. Frodo squeaked, trembling. Ahead, the fangirls gave great cries of admiration and awe.  
  
"Oo!! Me! Me! Me first! Me!"  
  
"No, you bitchass! I get to go first!"  
  
"But! But! But!"  
  
"I'm older! Shut up!"  
  
"BLARGH! You wanker!"  
  
The hobbits cautiously walked up behind Tom Bombadil, who was shaking his head sadly. Pippin poked Merry in the shoulder.  
  
"What happened?" he whispered loudly. Tom sighed, turning around to pat the hobbits on the head.  
  
"It gets them every time," he said discontentedly. He pointed a large, metallic, boxy object of which the hobbits had never seen the likes of before. The fangirls were rushing towards it, screaming rabidly at each other.  
  
"YARRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!!! AOL TIME WARNER CDS!!" screamed one.  
  
"ALFALFA SPROUTS WITH BETA! BETA! BETA!" shrieked the other, and with that, the taller, faster fangirl jumped into the metallic object, slammed the lid down, and gave a great, ear piercing shriek.  
  
"GODDAMMIT! WHO'S DOING THE WASH IN THIS THING!!" she shouted, rather agitated. She climbed back out, covered with wet clothes and those little cleany strips you stick into the dryer when you run it. A strange, sing song voice came out of nowhere. Tom Bombadil beamed, showing off his green braces, and ran towards the voice.  
  
"GOLDMERRY!!" he cried gleefully. "ME DEAR, SWEET GOLDMERRY!" Goldmerry came skipping up, with a wild half Mohawk of pink hair, waving a kicking paddle in one hand.  
  
"Why hello, Tom! I see you've brought guests!" Goldmerry gave a deranged grin, tossing the kicking paddle in the air. Aye let out a tiny erk. Twitch threw the wet clothes down and stomped on them.  
  
"Was it YOU who was doing the wash?" Twitch screeched. "You got me all fucking wet!" Goldmerry smirked at Twitch and patted her on the head. Twitch shrieked rabidly, and attempted to bite off Goldmerry's hand. Aye burst into song.  
  
"III!! IIII!! I'M GETTING OUT, NO NOTHING EVER SHAMES ME. III!! IIII!! I'M GOING OUT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ANGRY!!" she screamed, off key and head banging.  
  
"Shut up, wanker!" Twitch yelled, throwing wet clothes in Aye's general direction. Aye glared and muttered under her breath. A series of odd, The Cheat like noises emanated from her mouth.  
  
"MmmmreerhhiiierrehmmmwweeeaeriirrmMEH!!"  
  
Tom Bombadil made another note in his notebook.  
  
"The Manifest Destiny," Aye recited, "A phrase used to rationalize the continental expansion in the 1840's, which included the displacement of the Native Americans and the War with Mexico. It was mostly utilized by politicians and leaders who supported continental expansion."  
  
"Er..." Goldmerry said, poking Aye in the head. Aye grabbed the offending finger and gnawed absentmindedly on it.  
  
"Tastes like pottery," Twitch remarked, sitting cross-legged on top of the dryer. Aye nodded wisely and removed the finger from her mouth.  
  
"Let's nick his bubble," she announced to no one, and marched off. Twitch shrugged, and eyed the approaching hobbits.  
  
"Oh, Froooodooo...come here you adorable linno hobbitses. Frooooodoooo!" She toppled off the dryer. The hobbits crowded around Tom Bombadil and his admiring wife. "I'm hungry," said Pippin loudly. Merry handed him the fuzzy potato thing. Pippin shoved it into his mouth and let out a terrified shriek when the thing sprouted a pair of arms and legs and started kicking at his mouth.  
  
"RrrrrEeeeeeeerrrrrrrrmmmmmmmaaaaaafrrrrrrre!" it said, pummeling poor Pippin's oral cavity. It sprang out, dealt Pippin a few good whacks, and latched onto Twitch's leg. Merry gave a squeak. Frodo was traumatized.  
  
"GAAAAAAHHHH!!" he yelped, now in thorough fear of all vegetables. He gave a few involuntary twitches, and climbed up onto Sam's head, quaking in fear. Sam promptly fell over. Twitch took the opportunity to grab Frodo and limp off.  
  
"Dammit, you're fucking heavy," she panted, after a few feet. Frodo began screaming at the top of his lungs.  
  
"SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!! SAM! SAM!!! SAAAAAAAAMMM!! SAVE MEEEE!!" he bawled. Hearing Frodo's pitiful wails, Sam leapt to his feet, chasing the fangirl in circles. For the next hour or so, Merry, Pippin, Goldmerry and Tom Bombadil's heads turned to follow the chase, like in those freaky cartoon things. Aye suddenly appeared some time after the one hour mark and tackled Merry and Pippin.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEE!" she cackled gleefully. "Mine! All mine! Mineminemineminemine!" Twitch puffed by. Suddenly tired out, she sat with a thump on the grass, narrowly avoiding squooshing Frodo. Sam tripped over her and was sent sprawling. Twitch smirked and cuddled the harassed Frodo.  
  
"I love Frodo, you love Frodo, Frodo belongs to meEE, with a great big GLOMP and kiss from me to Frodo, we all love the cute Frodo," she sang happily while Sam writhed on the ground. "EQUILATERAL TRIANGLES WITH FISH SAUCE IN SWISS! ISH! ISH! ISH!" the convulsing hobbit screamed. Goldmerry peered at him with great interest, and Tom scribbled more notes in his book.  
  
"Severe brain damage," Tom pondered aloud, "Possibly psychosis, dependency?" Goldmerry started poking Sam in the head.  
  
"STRATOCASTER! GIBSON! BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER!" Sam nearly bit off Goldmerry's curious finger, thrashing all the while. Aye whacked Goldmerry on the head, more or less for the chance to be randomly violent, and Merry and Pippin took the chance to spring up and hide.  
  
"OY! ME HOBBITSES! Where they be?" she wondered, stumbling about. Goldmerry jumped up onto Tom's shoulders and announced that it was time for dinner.  
  
Upon hearing this statement, Merry and Pippin popped up from their place of refuge and cheered.  
  
"YAY!! FOOD!! FINALLY!" shouted a gleeful Pippin. And so, with Tom Bombadil and Goldmerry in the lead, the hobbits and their fangirls trooped up a hill to a large dwelling. As they were crossing the threshold, Twitch halted and gave a sudden shriek.  
  
"ARRR!! RRAAAAARRARR!! THE STAPLE REMOVER! FEED ME STAPLES!! I AM HUNGRY FOR STAPLES!!" Everyone turn to goggle at her questioningly.  
  
"She says she won't go through," Aye said. Tom Bombadil raised an eyebrow.  
  
"And why not?" he asked. Twitch shouted a series of incomprehensible words while Aye frowned and pondered.  
  
"Er...she doesn't want to use the door...?"  
  
Twitch shouted more unintelligible babble.  
  
"And...er...she hasn't used one since this thing started and...er...she doesn't intend to start now?"  
  
"Well, that makes...sense, I suppose," said Goldmerry, jumping off her husband's shoulders and booting the fangirl through an open window with her kicking paddle. Everyone else entered the house in a normal fashion and took a seat at a large table set with forks and other such mundane things. Frodo frowned confusedly, and turned to Goldmerry.  
  
"I-I hope this doesn't sound rude, but what IS a Tom Bombadil?" Tom Bombadil sniggered and Goldmerry toppled over, cackling. Frodo blushed bright red and attempted to hide behind Sam. Twitch immediately jumped to his defense.  
  
"THOU SHALT NOT MOCK MY FRODO!" she cried, springing to her feet and the top of the table, "FOR HE IS UBER-SPIFFY AND OH-SO-SEXII!" she stomped her foot for emphasis, sending spoons flying.  
  
Goldmerry and Tom Bombadil managed to contain their laughter, although Goldmerry turned several shades of blue in order to do so.  
  
"In my defense," said Tom Bombadil, "I wasn't laughing AT him, I was laughing WITH him." "But he wasn't laughing!" shouted Twitch in protest. Aye pulled her off the table, causing the fangirl to squawk indignantly.  
  
"He does have a point. What be you?" asked Aye, jabbing Tom Bombadil with a finger. "Don't touch me!" he snarled. Aye recoiled, rather intimidated. Tom Bombadil straightened up and declared in a solemn voice, "I am Tom Bombadil! Master of all things awesome and woodsy, singer of randomous songs!"  
  
Frodo looked more puzzled than ever. Sam patted him comfortingly as Twitch sat back down, watching Aye cautiously stick various eating utensils down Tom Bombadil's shirt. Merry and Pippin started clamoring for food.  
  
"FOOD! FOOD! FOOD IS GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! FOOD!" they shouted at random intervals. Goldmerry glowered and threw plates at their heads. Then she brought in a big boiling pot of something bright red and squiggly. Frodo shrieked in terror and dove under the table.  
  
"BLOOOOODD!!" Merry screamed delightedly, brandishing a plastic spoon. Goldmerry scowled and bashed a plate over Merry's head. At seeing this, Aye shrieked in shock, dashing over the table to protect her worshiped hobbit. She hurled the pot at Goldmerry and threw herself onto the dazed hobbit.  
  
"You'll have to kill me first!" she cried dramatically, throwing her arms around Merry. Twitch snickered, causing Aye to glare at her. Tom Bombadil rushed over to his beloved Goldmerry who was now covered in bright red squiggliness. Twitch used this moment of diversion to dive under the table and glomp Frodo madly, bringing Sam down with his frying pan. A scuffle began, and ended with an unconscious fangirl and a broken frying pan.  
  
"My frying pan!" Sam sniffled, cradling the broken pieces forlornly. "My beautiful, faithful frying pan!" He broke down into sobs, leaving a disconcerted Frodo to cling desperately to one of the table legs.  
  
Meanwhile, Tom Bombadil was pelting Aye with strange gnome things while she yelped in pain and attempted to shield the concussed Merry. Pippin was stuffing his face with the strange redness that had spilled over the plates.  
  
"Mmm, tastes like man bag," he snuffled through a mouthful.  
  
"Yergh. Marlf. Yffffffff," Merry stated, wobbling on his chair. Aye glomped him, clutching him protectively as she threw badly aimed plastic forks at the enraged Tom Bombadil. Goldmerry suddenly jumped up on a chair and screeched.  
  
"GRAAAAAHH!!" The room fell silent, and all that could be heard was the ominous clatter of a final fork. The hostess glared at Aye and the unconscious Twitch. "OUT! OUT I SAY!" Goldmerry hollered.  
  
"But where will we stay?" asked Aye, looking dejected. Twitch suddenly sprang to life. "Fore there is no room at the inn!" she cried. Once again, no one had a clue about what she meant.  
  
"There's a barn out there, though I pity the animals," said Tom Bombadil, picking up both fangirls by their hoodies and hurling them out the window.  
  
Once outside, Twitch glowered at Aye.  
  
"This is all your fault, wanker."  
  
"'Tis YOUR fault! If you hadn't been attacking Frodo, we'd still be in there where 'tis warm!"  
  
"Don't man-bitch at me! You know you're to blame."  
  
"I AM NOT A MAN! YOU BITCHASS!" Aye shouted in rage, stomping on the ground. From the woods came a distinctly treeish mumble that didn't sound very happy.  
  
"TREE ATTACK!! RAPE!! RAPE!!" screamed Twitch, and the fangirls scampered off to the barn.  
  
Inside, things had calmed down rather quickly after the fangirls left. Goldmerry had stuck Sam's frying pan back together with some duct tape, but it was far from fixed. Tom Bombadil started singing, dancing upon the table.  
  
"It's still rotting in the hall! Dead puppies aren't much fun at all!"  
  
The hobbits all applauded, and Pippin turned to Goldmerry.  
  
"What is this stuff?" he asked, gesturing towards the red goop.  
  
"Squid Jacks, of course!" Goldmerry replied cheerfully. Across the table, Frodo was fiddling with his ring.  
  
"Well! Ho there, little master!" shouted Tom Bombadil, "What trinket have you there?" Frodo looked at him, startled.  
  
"Eep! No touchie! Mine! My shiny!" he yelped, clutching the ring possessively.  
  
"Let me see it, I only want to try it on!"  
  
"You might break it! Or hurt it! And I loves it! It is my shiny!" Sam looked shocked at hearing this.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" he cried, "I thought you said you loved me and only me!"  
  
"I-I didn't mean it like that, Sam! It was a mistake! I'm sorry!!" Frodo and Sam burst into tears, hugging each other and sobbing. Goldmerry took this opportunity to sneak up on the wailing hobbits and snatch the ring. She grinned proudly and handed it to her adored husband. Merry and Pippin watched in suspense as Tom Bombadil prepared to put it on. When he did, they were rather disappointed, as nothing seemed to happen. Frodo squealed in horror.  
  
"GAH!! MY BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY RING!" he screamed, "You BROKE it!!" he disentangled himself from the distraught Sam, and launched himself into empty air. Fortunately, he managed to catch hold of Tom Bombadil's shirt and started ripping at it. "GRAR!! MY SHINY!!"  
  
Goldmerry threw a fit at the ripping of Bombadil's shirt. She jumped up, grabbed Frodo and the ring, and hurled them across the room, slamming both against a door.  
  
"NEVER TOUCH HIM AGAIN!!" she howled, picking up a pot and preparing to pitch it at the quaking hobbit.  
  
"Goldmerry, dearest," said Tom, regaining his footing and patting her reassuringly on the arm, "I think it would be a better idea to let them get some sleep." He quickly ushered the hobbits out of the room, and into their sleeping quarters.  
  
Some time around midnight, the barn was in an uproar.  
  
"STUPID BALES OF HAY! GRAH!! DIE!! ARRARARRRARRR!!" Aye shrieked, in a frenzy, "Accept my heartwarming gift of tree scratchies, I absolve thee!" She stumbled about, tripping over Twitch, who was reading a book entitled "The Mystery of Time and Space".  
  
"PANTS NINJA!" Twitch screamed, dropping the book, arms wind milling about. Aye fled to a hay covered corner, bobbling.  
  
"iwokeupthismorningwithabadhangoverandmypeniswasmissingagain.thishappensallt hetime.itsdetachable," she mumbled. Twitch started to whack her over the head with a skein of yarn.  
  
"FUCKING WANKER!" Twitch shouted, "YOU MADE ME LOSE MY PAGE!"  
  
"Ow! Ow! Wanker!" Aye yelped, attempting to shield her abused head. "It was the hay! Stop!!"  
  
There was a strange rustling noise, causing both fangirls to freeze. A strange fetus thing emerged from a pile of hay. It took off its headphones and glared at the two.  
  
"Fucking arseholes," it whispered, "Shut the fuck up before I take this piece of shit and shove it up your arse." They stared at it, unsettled. It managed to give them the finger and disappeared.  
  
"Holy, holy crap," Aye erked.  
  
"What the crap was that?"  
  
"Fetusfetusfetusfetuspenisfetus." Aye rolled up into the fetal position and started zooming around, bouncing off the walls. Twitch threw the yarn at her head, exasperated, and decided to investigate further.  
  
"Oh little fetus..." called Twitch, picking up a pitchfork and jabbing at the hay."Come here little fetus... I don't want to hurt you, just psychoanalyze you..." Suddenly, the fetus popped out of the hay on the other side of the barn, right next to Aye's head.  
  
"Fuck off, you fucking shrink!" it yelled, and dove back under the hay. Twitch continued prodding.  
  
"Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas, little fetus!" she sang happily. The fetus popped up again and pitched what appeared to be a belt buckle at Twitch's head.  
  
"Adidas suck, they support sweatshop labor!" he yelled. Twitch took this opportunity to spring up and grab the fetus. She poked at it happily.  
  
"Well ain't you perdy!" she said in a horrible mock-up of a Southern accent.  
  
"Get outta here, shrink," muttered the fetus, and proceeded to bite her hand.  
  
"OW! DAMNIT!" shrieked Twitch, dropping the fetus.  
  
It scampered off, yelling something along the lines of, "MOM!! DAD!! THERE'S INSANE LADIES IN THE BARN AGAIN!! YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULDN'T SEND YOUR FUCKED UP PATIENTS HERE!! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!"  
  
...AND THERE IT GOES!! UP, UP AND AWAY!! ITS FLYING!! OH NO!! ITS GOING TO CRASH INTO THAT PLANE UP THERE!! GAH!! ITS 9/11 REINCARNATED!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! GGGGAAAAAAAHHHHH- ok I'll shut up now. Heh. Um...review or else we'll send Bland over to your house to steal your soul with the SOUL SUCKER 20XG6!!! BWAHAHAHHAHAAA!!! *cough* er...yesh.  
  
-Aye 


End file.
